Caitlyn A

I’m 17 years old. I grew up in a Christian home. I grew up doing all the motions, knowing all the answers, knowing God in my head. But I was a fake Christian. I was the americanized Christian who used Jesus when life was no longer comfortable or going according to my plans.

Everything changed this summer. I went to Brasil on a mission trip for 6 weeks and God transformed my life. No one knew I was struggling with loving myself. The fact was, I hated myself. I couldn’t look in the mirror without feeling an extreme sense of disgust and hate. I thought God had made me ugly, that He forgot about making me beautiful, and that I had no purpose.

The second night in Brasil, we had a prayer time. The leader came and started praying about all the stuff I just mentioned. She rebuked all those thoughts. I just sat there and bawled. I was blown away that God was starting to change my heart because I thought, “God has 6 weeks to change me, He’s gonna do it near the end of the trip.” When I looked in the mirror that night, I saw myself as beautiful for the first time in years.

I got re-baptized on the beach a few weeks later. I left my old life in the water, all those empty thoughts, all those lies. I ran after God with all my heart. I died to myself, because when we are dead and broken, God makes us alive. I started following Him on His conditions, not mine. Another night, during the youth worship service, God was telling me to let it ALL go to Him. I built up a wall and didn’t want to give him my future, because I like to be in control. The Holy Spirit used some of the members on the team to start praying over me. The chains fell off and I stood there, telling God I give Him my future to do His will with it. The team went through intense situations together and were freed from all the chains and lies of Satan and became like family during those 6 weeks. I came home and my family moved to South Dakota.

I’ve lived in Sioux Falls, SD for 6 weeks now. Coming from an insanely awesome mission trip where God lit me on fire for Him and a place where I grew up and everyone knew me, I was devastated. I had lived in Colorado my whole life. I was bitter, angry, and hated my parents because of the move. I was extremely lonely and depressed. I thought no one cared about me. No one wants to know me. I thought no one would care or notice if I was gone. I was considering suicide. I wanted to get hit by the train that runs near my house or an oncoming car. I wrote an angry note, stating that I hated God, I didn’t need Him, I didn’t want Him. I hated life. I hated people. I was a mistake. I isolated myself and cut myself off from God’s power. The night I decided to kill myself, a member from the missions trip called me at 11 at night. I told him I was going to commit suicide. He told me how much I am loved around the world and by God and that I am wanted and have a purpose on this earth. And killing myself is not going to make it any better. That night I didn’t sleep. I stayed up crying and repenting. God changed my heart once again and awakened me to His awesome love.

Yes, I’m still lonely. Yes, I still struggle with depression. Some nights I weep in anguish, but when we are weak, God is all powerful. He meets you in the deepest pit of your depression. You are an overcomer because you are attached to the ultimate power source of LIFE. No matter how black and how lonely you feel, no matter how convincing Satan’s lies are, God is there. He will never, NEVER leave you. He has a purpose for you in this moment right now. He holds you in his hand. So killing yourself, will not satisfy that purpose. It is selfish. It is what Satan wants for your life. When you live in God’s purpose, those will be the best times in your life because you will feel fulfilled because that is what God created you to do. You will overflow with God’s supreme joy and love. If you get cut, you will bleed Jesus. You won’t be able to contain Him or hide Him. He will set you on fire for Him. He lives in you. God lives in you. So through Him you can do anything.

Don’t be a lukewarm fake Christian. God is loving. God wants you, He pursues you, and dances over you. So come home, come into the arms of Jesus. Humble yourself, because God is good and even though everything feels upside down, everything is going wrong, and you don’t want to live another day….God is in control. He is using you for His plan. When you empty you of you and let God take control, He will turn your world upside down.


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