My name is Nicole and I’m 23 years old.
I have always believed in Christ, but I learned a big lesson at an early age. Just because your a Christian doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. I was sexually abused when I was 5 and it continued until I was 8. Growing up with that shame and hurt caused me to rarely trust men.
When I hit 13 I was so messed up I started cutting myself. Life as I knew it seemed to be over. All through high school I battled depression and still continued to cut. It was a silent cry no one heard. At this point I had pretty much given up. I tried to overdose on antidepressants, but it didn’t work. My life seemed to be spiraling down. By this point I wasn’t sure if I really believed in God or not. I was so confused. Why would a loving God put his child through that much pain? I didn’t know the answer to any of the questions I was having. I felt like everyone judged me for what happened and didn’t look at who I really was. I began to put up fronts for people, never letting them see me hurt.
In 2011 I started dating the man I now call my husband. Growing up, dating was very hard for me. I became very controlling in order to protect myself from being taken advantage of again. Still cutting, my arms looked like a cheese grater. I hid it very well from the people who loved me.
In December of 2011 I tried to overdose again. I felt like I was never going to be good enough. And yet again, the attempt of suicide failed. I was put in the hospital this time for a couple weeks. I just couldn’t handle the depression anymore. I moved away to where my husband lived. We got married in July of 2012. My husband didn’t know what he was getting himself into. We started going to an amazing church, where we still go today. I never told my husband what had happened. I sat down with my pastor for counseling. I told her a lot of stuff that happened. I just couldn’t handle it. I felt like the depression was controlling more of me than God was.
In October of 2012 I attempted suicide once more. I guess I’m learning now God doesn’t want me dead. He has a purpose for me. God has a life without depression for me. Jesus has Ransomed me. He is restoring me back to new. I have a testimony that lives for Him. He has restored my marriage and my relationships. I have learned God wants me to be who HE created me to be, not the fake person I pretended to be. I now have forgiven the person who did that to me and no longer hold anything against him. I can honestly say without God I should be dead. He saved my life every time for a reason and a purpose. Now I’m living out my purpose by sharing my story with others. My dream is to help others through my experiences. Know that your life matters. It matters to God. God is ABLE to save you from anything that haunts you. Just run to Him!!!